Zoe's birth story - part 2

(a continuation of THIS post)

The third person who played a very important role in your birth was our doula, Vanessa. I feel quite proud of myself for deciding to hire a doula and persuading your dad to get on board (he was a little iffy on the idea - thought maybe he'd be pushed out of the process - but in actuality it allowed him to be more present with me). I can't imagine how the birth would have gone without her there.

Vanessa was truly meant to be a birth doula. She knew just when to push me and when to comfort me; what to say to keep me calm but confident; and she somehow convinced me that the birth process just works and so I learned to let go and just trust it (something that is very difficult for your mom to do). The last bit of my pregnancy was sort of scary for me - it was a roller coaster of emotions and there was so much WAITING. (Ugh. Waiting. The worst.) Vanessa helped me out a lot then, too. She has a way, this woman. I can't even really describe it, but I always came away from our conversations feeling totally sure everything would work out fine and that you were already such a lucky baby because I loved you so much from the start.



Like I said earlier, I really don't remember much of the details of your labor and birth. Funny that I didn't take the epidural but the whole experience seems shrouded in a drug-like haze. I guess those are nature's chemical cocktails working. I do remember feeling such relief when Vanessa got to the hospital. She got there shortly after the pitocin kicked in, which started at around 6 am. She did exactly what she said she would - she made sure I went to the bathroom at the right times, made sure I changed position (that was hard because it made the contractions so much worse) so things progressed, and when it was time to push at 9 am (!), she was the perfect coach. I held your dad's hand right close to my face and focused on Vanessa's directions and tried to do exactly what she said. I could feel you moving down and out, but the pain was pretty intense. At one point one of the nurses took my hand and put it on your head (full of black hair!) as you were crowning and I remember thinking, "What is she doing - I can't reach that far." I honestly felt like you, and the lower half of my body, were ten feet across the room. I expected to feel the burning of you crowning but I honestly don't remember that. I was pretty locked into Vanessa's breathing and pushing instructions. But I do remember your body coming out - what a totally. bizarre. feeling. But so amazing! I couldn't believe I did it. And I was so happy to learn you were ok and didn't have a huge red birthmark covering your whole face or both sets of reproductive organs. And you were so pretty. The best thing I've ever seen, really. I can't imagine being more happy to see someone.

One great thing Vanessa did was take pictures. Great, great pictures. You were born with the amniotic sac over your whole head which they call being born in the caul. A sign of greatness and good luck. She took some great pictures of you coming out with your little amniotic mask on, which I was so excited to see because I didn't get to see it at the time. Your Grandma Patty says that women usually feel very attached to the people who were with them during their births. That is certainly true. Vanessa will forever be dear to me because she helped us so much on such an important and amazing day.

Speaking of Grandma Patty...I don't even know where to begin. Having you has bonded your Grandma and I in a way I never expected. I hope that I get to go through all of this with you someday, if for no other reason than I think it will make you think of me as less of a wack-job.

Your Grandma Patty is a birth and babies person...it's her job and her passion. She had your Aunt Jess at home on her bed at our farmhouse in the country with midwives. I was a little worried that she would try and push her birth philosophy (everyone has one) on me and, being a huge worrier, I just knew I wanted to have medical personnel around at all times. There were several times during my pregnancy that I said I felt like moving in to the hospital just so I could be monitored constantly and feel sure that you were going to be okay. Anyway - your Grandma didn't push it on me. She didn't say anything much but, "Just explore your options and do what is best for you." She did send me a book, though, called Birthing From Within. I saw it and immediately wrote it off as hippie nonsense (hey - you're supposed to rebel against your parents, right?), but stole glances every now and then and read parts here and there. Just like I did when she gave me the "Where Did I Come From?" book - I totally blew it off in front of her face but then snuck it into the bathroom with me. Slowly, I began to think about your birth differently. I had initially wanted the standard, medical birth. Epidural included. But the more I read and the more I researched, I came full circle and I hired a doula and decided I didn't want the drugs. And for that, I have your Grandma Patty to thank.



I also have her to thank for being there with me during your birth - it was comforting just to know she was there. Because you know, when something hurts I want my momma.

And last but certainly not least, your Grandpa David. Your Grandpa has a way of always assuring me that everything will be all right. He has sort of a sixth sense. I don't even believe in that crap, but when it comes to him I do. Who knows why. He just seems to know more than he should. You'll see.



Though he wasn't physically in the room when you were born, he was in spirit. He carved me this little focal point bird out of wood. It's some kind of Native American thing. He had carved one for your Grandma Patty (though hers was a bear) for her labor with me. He made it so it would fit right in my hand and I held on to that little thing the whole entire labor (well, all three hours of it). I directed a lot of energy toward squeezing that little bird and having it take some of the pain for me. It gave me a lot of strength, having that bird that my dad carved for me in my hand.

It was such a remarkable day, Zoe B. I'll never really be able to explain to you how it felt - that day I finally met you. I'm welling up with tears now just writing this. It was the most profound day of my life. Thank you, my sweet girl. You have made me so happy.