Dear Zoe - SLOW DOWN!

Dear Zoe,

Well, it's official. You're 4 months old and it is officially all happening too fast for me. How can you already be rolling over and grabbing things?

You have changed so much just in the last few weeks. Sometimes now when you laugh you do this hilarious little screech at the end, like a finale. God, I love it when you laugh (actually, I love it when you do just about anything - you fart and it makes me smile). That laugh makes me want to run out of the house singing "The Hills are Alive" - I love it THAT MUCH. I'm sure your dad would love it if I did that, too. I figure our neighbors already think we're big weirdos, could a little Maria Von Trapp possibly hurt?

Up until a week or two ago, when you were nursing YOU WERE NURSING. You were focused. You were getting that job DONE. Nothing could divert your attention. Now, you nurse a little and "hey, what's that fan doing?" and the nipple is out of your mouth spraying milk all over the side of your face. "Hey, what's that ringing?" or "someone just walked across the room - who was it?" You are a fair-weather nurser - you are keen to nurse until something better comes along. In fact, I had a TV put in our bedroom so I could watch TV while I nursed and now I can't watch it while I nurse you because there will be no nursing. There will be me and you watching TV. And we all know Grandma Patty would NOT approve.

Another development is your scratching...you love scratching. You scratch on the carpet, you scratch on the baby Bjorn and you scratch the hell out of my chest while you're nursing. A few times I've even had to put socks on your hands while you nurse because you sort of strum my chest like it's a guitar and man, those nails are sharp.

We're still all screwy with the sleep, but who cares. We're ok. You're only a baby for a little while - you'll figure out how to sleep through the night eventually. For now, it is what it is. There are many nights when I nurse you and get you settled back down in bed next to me that I just lie there and stare at you. I can't believe how much I love you, kid. There are no words. People will tell you that the love you feel for your child is like no other, and that certainly is the truth. Nothing could have prepared me for how much I love you. Sometimes I think I'll explode. Or implode. Or shatter. Or burst into flames. Or rocket off into space. I hope you have a child someday so that you can understand how this feels. So you can one day know that your loony mother was just a loony because she loved you so much.