Zoe's birth story - part 2

(a continuation of THIS post)

The third person who played a very important role in your birth was our doula, Vanessa. I feel quite proud of myself for deciding to hire a doula and persuading your dad to get on board (he was a little iffy on the idea - thought maybe he'd be pushed out of the process - but in actuality it allowed him to be more present with me). I can't imagine how the birth would have gone without her there.

Vanessa was truly meant to be a birth doula. She knew just when to push me and when to comfort me; what to say to keep me calm but confident; and she somehow convinced me that the birth process just works and so I learned to let go and just trust it (something that is very difficult for your mom to do). The last bit of my pregnancy was sort of scary for me - it was a roller coaster of emotions and there was so much WAITING. (Ugh. Waiting. The worst.) Vanessa helped me out a lot then, too. She has a way, this woman. I can't even really describe it, but I always came away from our conversations feeling totally sure everything would work out fine and that you were already such a lucky baby because I loved you so much from the start.



Like I said earlier, I really don't remember much of the details of your labor and birth. Funny that I didn't take the epidural but the whole experience seems shrouded in a drug-like haze. I guess those are nature's chemical cocktails working. I do remember feeling such relief when Vanessa got to the hospital. She got there shortly after the pitocin kicked in, which started at around 6 am. She did exactly what she said she would - she made sure I went to the bathroom at the right times, made sure I changed position (that was hard because it made the contractions so much worse) so things progressed, and when it was time to push at 9 am (!), she was the perfect coach. I held your dad's hand right close to my face and focused on Vanessa's directions and tried to do exactly what she said. I could feel you moving down and out, but the pain was pretty intense. At one point one of the nurses took my hand and put it on your head (full of black hair!) as you were crowning and I remember thinking, "What is she doing - I can't reach that far." I honestly felt like you, and the lower half of my body, were ten feet across the room. I expected to feel the burning of you crowning but I honestly don't remember that. I was pretty locked into Vanessa's breathing and pushing instructions. But I do remember your body coming out - what a totally. bizarre. feeling. But so amazing! I couldn't believe I did it. And I was so happy to learn you were ok and didn't have a huge red birthmark covering your whole face or both sets of reproductive organs. And you were so pretty. The best thing I've ever seen, really. I can't imagine being more happy to see someone.

One great thing Vanessa did was take pictures. Great, great pictures. You were born with the amniotic sac over your whole head which they call being born in the caul. A sign of greatness and good luck. She took some great pictures of you coming out with your little amniotic mask on, which I was so excited to see because I didn't get to see it at the time. Your Grandma Patty says that women usually feel very attached to the people who were with them during their births. That is certainly true. Vanessa will forever be dear to me because she helped us so much on such an important and amazing day.

Speaking of Grandma Patty...I don't even know where to begin. Having you has bonded your Grandma and I in a way I never expected. I hope that I get to go through all of this with you someday, if for no other reason than I think it will make you think of me as less of a wack-job.

Your Grandma Patty is a birth and babies person...it's her job and her passion. She had your Aunt Jess at home on her bed at our farmhouse in the country with midwives. I was a little worried that she would try and push her birth philosophy (everyone has one) on me and, being a huge worrier, I just knew I wanted to have medical personnel around at all times. There were several times during my pregnancy that I said I felt like moving in to the hospital just so I could be monitored constantly and feel sure that you were going to be okay. Anyway - your Grandma didn't push it on me. She didn't say anything much but, "Just explore your options and do what is best for you." She did send me a book, though, called Birthing From Within. I saw it and immediately wrote it off as hippie nonsense (hey - you're supposed to rebel against your parents, right?), but stole glances every now and then and read parts here and there. Just like I did when she gave me the "Where Did I Come From?" book - I totally blew it off in front of her face but then snuck it into the bathroom with me. Slowly, I began to think about your birth differently. I had initially wanted the standard, medical birth. Epidural included. But the more I read and the more I researched, I came full circle and I hired a doula and decided I didn't want the drugs. And for that, I have your Grandma Patty to thank.



I also have her to thank for being there with me during your birth - it was comforting just to know she was there. Because you know, when something hurts I want my momma.

And last but certainly not least, your Grandpa David. Your Grandpa has a way of always assuring me that everything will be all right. He has sort of a sixth sense. I don't even believe in that crap, but when it comes to him I do. Who knows why. He just seems to know more than he should. You'll see.



Though he wasn't physically in the room when you were born, he was in spirit. He carved me this little focal point bird out of wood. It's some kind of Native American thing. He had carved one for your Grandma Patty (though hers was a bear) for her labor with me. He made it so it would fit right in my hand and I held on to that little thing the whole entire labor (well, all three hours of it). I directed a lot of energy toward squeezing that little bird and having it take some of the pain for me. It gave me a lot of strength, having that bird that my dad carved for me in my hand.

It was such a remarkable day, Zoe B. I'll never really be able to explain to you how it felt - that day I finally met you. I'm welling up with tears now just writing this. It was the most profound day of my life. Thank you, my sweet girl. You have made me so happy.

Zoe's birth story - Part 1

Dear Zoe,

When your Aunt Jess was here we watched The Business of Being Born, which is a documentary about the way women birth in this country. Since you were born, I have been fascinated by the process of birth because it was truly the most transformative and intense experience of my life. Anyway, I was thinking about it and I realized I hadn't ever gotten around to writing your birth story on this blog. I am going to write about this in kind of a funny, disjointed way and hope that the whole story comes through. I think it will.

I am indebted to 5 people for their roles in your birth; you, your father, Vanessa (our doula), your Grandpa David and your Grandma Patty.

First - I could not have done it without you, my sweet girl! You worked hard, too, and I really did think of us as partners in the process. It was all about you, after all, and though some people say they don't feel that "love at first sight" feeling when they first lay eyes on their baby, I certainly did. Seeing you for the first time nearly knocked me out, I loved you so much.




Your dad really blew my mind the day you were born, Zoe B. He stayed with me overnight in the hospital the night before on one of those horrible little chair beds because he knew I'd be really nervous. (Because you were 11 days late, I caved in and decided on an induction...but my water broke that night in the hospital which meant you were probably going to come that day anyway.) I'm so glad he did because things got going earlier than I'd anticipated when I felt that water come gushing out at 4 in the morning. He was wearing earplugs, though, since I was snoring like crazy at the end of my pregnancy and when my water broke I had to throw things (chapstick, a pillow, etc.) at him to get him to wake up because he couldn't hear anything. When the nurse came in to clean me up and check things out, she said, "That's a gross rupture right there." And I remember thinking, "Well, YOU'RE GROSS, GEEZ!" I really thought for about a half a second that she meant it was gross as in disgusting and not gross as in big. Hey- I hadn't slept...I had taken a sleeping pill...I was out of it. I had dreams of frolicking pink hedgehogs if that tells you anything. Anyway - so that was just the beginning - your dad staying with me overnight.

During the labor, he was right there with me the whole time. Because most of it is a bit of a blur, I don't remember many details but I remember his face being right by my face the whole time and that was exactly what I wanted. He held my hand and kissed my face and I felt so much comfort in him being right there with me.



After you were born, he took such incredible care of me AND you. I had a small tear and I had to get stitched up so he stayed with you and held your hand while you were under the warmer. He was right there with you while they worked you over - put the goop in your eyes, put a diaper on you, clamped your cord, and on and on. Once we were both done, he brought you over to me and you nursed for the first time. You latched right on and went to town. Then he ordered us breakfast and he fed me so I could have my hands on you.

Your dad is very adept at taking care of people. He is so good when one of us is sick, or if we have guests. He always wants everyone to be comfortable. If my mom is in town and we realize late at night that we don't have coffee filters for the morning, he jumps right up and goes to the store to get them. No question. That's just part of who he is. After I gave birth, I was a little nervous that all of my organs might just come sliding out with all of the mess that poured out after you were born. He helped me with every aspect of the healing process. He helped me shower and changed my dressings and all of it. Can you believe it? We were truly in it together. I had never felt as close to your dad as the day you were born, and the days that followed. It makes me so sad for those women decades ago who were not able to have their husbands with them when they gave birth. It also makes me sad that most women don't have a husband as mind-blowing as mine is. But I digress.

Part 2 to follow.